April 1st
Posted: Wed 1 April, 2015 Filed under: 1BEM, Charm School, Cynicism, D4D™ Leave a comment »And so, another International Day of Japery and Shit Tricks/Jokes/Pranks.
Happy Happy Joy Joy.
Normal programming will be resumed tomorrow.
Knackers
Posted: Tue 23 December, 2014 Filed under: Advertising, Charm School, Festering Season, News, People Leave a comment »Among the things that have amused me today, the image on this BBC story about German Christmas Markets made me chuckle.
After all, how many times do you get to see the word “Knacker” on the BBC? And particularly in connection to the whole Festering Season…
It probably says a lot about my mindset that it was the word ‘Knacker’ that I noticed first out of the entire thing…
PetStore Humour
Posted: Sat 20 December, 2014 Filed under: Animals, Charm School, Domestic, People 4 Comments »This week I needed to sort out one of the regular bulk purchases of cat litter and cat food sachets, so it was time for a trip to the local Pets at Home. (I’m sure there’s places that’re slightly cheaper, but Pets at Home is fine for my purposes)
Once I’d got the necessary items – plus a new scratching post – I stopped to have a look at the rabbits and hamsters – no particular reason, just had a look before getting to the till.
One of the store assistants came up, and asked “Are you looking for anything special”. And oh dear, my mouth went into action before my brain.
“No, not really. I’m just seeing if anything appeals as a Christmas Meal treat for my cats”
The look of utter disgust on her face should leave me ashamed, but actually it was just funny as chuff.
Christmas Parks
Posted: Mon 24 November, 2014 Filed under: Advertising, Charm School, Customer Services, Cynicism, Festering Season, Marketing, People, Stupidity, Sweary Leave a comment »I don’t know when/why it started, but it now seems that part of the media’s Christmas tradition is to have a report/story about a “Christmas Park” that opens in November and closes down after one day because of its general shitness, and the resultant litany of customer complaints.
This year, the ‘honour’ has apparently gone to ‘The Magical Journey‘, which was designed/proposed by arch-tossrag Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen
But really, what does anyone expect? These arseholic fucktrumpets are paying up to £20 a head to go and ‘see Santa’ – in November, in unseasonably warm/mild weather – and then get upset that it’s muddy, that they’ve got to queue for ages to see sodding Santa, and that really it’s all – gasp! – a bit shit.
Rather than talking to Trading Standards, I’d suggest probably getting mental health professionals involved, and getting every single one of those paying customers to take a good long hard look at themselves. For fuck’s sake.
People Carriers
Posted: Fri 4 April, 2014 Filed under: 1BEM, BMW Drivers, Charm School, Commuting, Cynicism, Driving, Travel 1 Comment »As has been noted before on here, I do a fair amount of driving on any given week, mainly for commuting. It’s about 400-500 miles per week at the moment – although I’ve had greater mileages, and lesser ones.
One of the things I notice during those drives is how drivers do seem to group up, and that certain groups are infinitely worse than others. There’s always the usual culprits – BMWs, Audis, and White Vans, but there’s another one I notice more over time. MPVs, or people carriers.
I don’t know if it’s because BMW et al don’t actually do people carrier vehicles, but it does seem that MPV drivers are on a par with BMW drivers. In particular it seems that Citroen Xsara Picasso (now renamed the C4 Picasso, I think) are a breed of shit drivers. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve seen these vacuous bell-ends approach roundabouts in the wrong lanes, cut across lines of traffic, cruise across busy roundabouts, stick their cars into the flow of traffic, weave across multiple carriageways, and generally act like cunts.
So yes, welcome to the ‘shit drivers’ group.
- BMWs and Audis
- White Van drivers
- MPVs – and Picasso drivers in particular.
Pheasant Terrorism
Posted: Wed 26 March, 2014 Filed under: 1BEM, Charm School, News, People, Stupidity, Weirdness Leave a comment »Some days I pretty much despair of the human race. (OK, OK, most days. Nearly every day.)
Yesterday’s example was caused by this story in the BBC about a pheasant ‘terrorising’ people at a farm in Cambridgeshire.
From the story…
A delivery driver was trapped for 20 minutes after the bird blocked his way, flew at the bonnet then chased his van.
“One young girl was having her first driving lesson on our land and could not move the car because the pheasant would not leave it alone.”
“I don’t think we’ll see our delivery driver for a while either,” Mrs Hamilton added.
I’m sorry, but if you’re in a vehicle, and being ‘terrorised’ by a pheasant then
- You’re a pathetic wanker of the first order
- YOU’RE IN A CAR. Run over the sodding thing. Job done.