What’s Next ?

Looking back over the archives, it’s now five years (nearly 5 years 1 month, in fact) since I moved (with Herself) into the first house I’d owned, or been involved in owning. (And still the only house, actually) Which means that it’s eight years since I got together with Herself – and it’s also seven and a half years since I left Manchester, but that’s less relevant to this post.

Now, five years on, I’m back to being on my own, back in a rented place.  It wasn’t entirely my choice, more a conclusion to plenty of events in the run-up, but it’s where things are, and I’m going to try and make the best of it.

The thing is, I don’t really feel like I’ve made any progress in those eight years. Sure, there’ve been lots of changes, and lots of stuff has happened, but when all’s said and done, have I progressed? No – indeed I’d say I’m in a worse situation than I was back then.

Back in 2004, I was working – admittedly at a job I didn’t much like – and doing OK. My finances were up-and-down, more so than they should’ve been, but I really only had debts of £1,000 at any one time – my bank overdraft, and that was it. The house was rented, and was OK. I didn’t drive (ah, OK, that’s progress) – but I didn’t need to, with a decent transport system at my door. Sure, longer travel was more of a pain, but I was used to that.

Now, I’m working – at a job I like, but don’t want to do Forever – and my finances are shit. I owe a significant amount of money, and know it’s going to take a long time to sort that out. That debt has been my own choice, to a degree, but I’m not happy about it, and I want to get rid of it. It’s just that sometimes that looks like a bit of an insurmountable task.  The house is rented, and is OK. I do drive, and have a car, so yeah, that’s progress.

I don’t have any assets, realisable or not, and I don’t really have anything of merit going for me right now.

The job? It’s OK – even good – but it’s not really what I want to do any more. Except I don’t know what I do want to do, either.

And with everything else going on, I most certainly don’t feel like I’ve anything to offer anyone else. I don’t want anyone else either, so it’s not all bad, but it’s the feeling that’s just a bit grim right now. All I’m going to focus on for the foreseeable is getting myself sorted out, figuring out what I want to do/be, finding what (if anything) makes me happy, and all that jazz. It’s not reinvention time, but it is – I think – rediscovery time.

What’s going to come next? I honestly don’t know. This is either a new beginning that leads to something interesting, or it’s the beginning of the end. Who knows which way it’ll go? Not me, that’s for sure.

[Note : I’m just having a down day. Not great, not by a long chalk. But I’ll get through it, one way or t’other]