Conflict and Surrender

It won’t give up, it wants me dead
Goddamn this noise inside my head

© Nine Inch Nails, “The Becoming”, Downward Spiral album

That’s not quite where I am at the moment – but somehow it still seems to be the best lyric for describing things at the moment.

I’ve written before about my regular issues and history with depression, and the way I normally fight my way through it. Recently though, that’s not been the case. If I’m honest, the last three or four years have involved fighting, but only getting to an impasse, a holding action to keep ground, rather than a victory.

I’ve made lots of plans, and had the intention to do things. It’s just that I never seem to find the time or the final motivation to get them done.  I keep on trying, and I keep on failing – and at the moment there’s no good reason for Why. I just don’t get to it. That final bit, that final push, is missing, AWOL.

So I’m working on getting through it, but I’m also going to go a different route this time. I’ve a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks time, and I’m going to aim to get some anti-depressants. Not something I’m overly happy about, but I think it’s time for me to try them again.

I had a very negative experience with them many moons ago, so I have some really serious reservations about them. But if I can give them a go and they work, so be it. If not, it’s another avenue tried and I need to find other options. But at least I’ll be trying the avenues this time.