Increasing Weirdity

Sometimes I get spam mails that are just too weird for words. In this case I can’t even see what the catch is – I must be missing something…

Dear Sir/Madam
My name is Mrs. Jenny Brooks, I am a dying woman who have decided to donate what I have to you/ church. I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago, immediately after the death of my husband, who has left me everything he worked for.

I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for the good work of God, rather than allow my relatives to use my husband hard earned funds ungodly. Please pray that the good Lord forgive me my sins. I have asked God to forgive me and I believe he has because He is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation in less than one hour.

I decided to WILL/donate the sum of $2,500,000 (two million five hundred thousand dollars) to you for the good work of the lord, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows.

At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my relatives are around me and my health status. I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware I have changed my will you and he will arrange the transfer of the funds from my account to you.

I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others. Contact my lawyer (Barrister Parker Brown) with this specified email: [dodgy@email.com] and tell him that I have WILLED ($2,500,000.00) to you and I have also notified him that I am WILLING that amount to you for a specific and good work. I know I don?t know you but I have been directed to do this. Thanks and God bless.

NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished as I don’t want anything that will jeopardize my last wish. And Also I will be contacting with you by email as I don’t want my relation or anybody to know because they are always around me.

Regards,

Jenny Brooks (Mrs)

Now, isn’t that just amazingly bizarre?


Copper-tone Crap

Today (and in fact for most of this week) my work is going to filed under “Turd Polishing”. In other words, no matter how shiny and nice something may look, underneath it’s still just shit.

One of the main sites- and in fact the main revenue earner for the company at the moment – has a conversion rate (i.e. users who actually, like, buy stuff) of 0.05%. Yes, for every 10,000 people who visit the site, 5 people buy something. Or, if you like it another way – 99.95% of people who visit the site bugger off without buying anything.

And to be honest, I can’t blame ’em. The site is utter shit. It’s user-hostile, and breaks just about every rule of e-commerce. And last month the takings on it dropped by about half. No real reason for it, just people weren’t buying the stuff the site attempts to sell. But the powers-that-be don’t (yet) want to admit failure, raze it to the ground, and start again from scratch with something that actually works, and fulfils most of the user’s requirements. Oh no, that’d be too much like common sense. Instead, they want to do some bug-fixes and add in a competition that’ll (in theory) drive more users to the site.

Of course, more users on the site – particularly ones who aren’t even interested in what the site’s got to sell – means that that conversion figure is going to drop even lower – but somehow that little fact seems to have been missed by our board of genii.

So anyway, yes, I’m doing this competition stuff in a truly titanic piece of turd-polishing. *sigh*


Biobouncer.

Now here’s a scary development – BioBouncer (although it’s a bloody horrible name) Basically, it’s a facial recognition system for bars – it scans each customer’s face as they come in, and then can check it against a list of “undesirable” customers.

Using advanced facial recognition biometric technology, BioBouncer™ quickly and accurately identifies these potentially dangerous people as they walk in the door – so they don’t even have a chance to ruin someone else’s experience. Powered by a combination of patent pending performance enhancing software intricacies, BioBouncer™ captures facial images of all club patrons as they enter. These images are then matched against a database of individuals who have broken club policy in the past and who are not welcome anymore. Maybe they are known to carry a weapon, have been removed for violence, or violate the club’s illicit drug policy.

Should a match occur, an alert is sent to your security personnel via wireless network and informs them of the alert location, accompanied by a photograph of the individual. Depending on club protocol, your staff can react quickly and effectively to either remove the person or at least be aware of his location. And speed? BioBouncerâ„¢ matches against 1,000,000 faces in less than one-second.

And if you’re just an innocent punter, out for a night? Supposedly those images that aren’t needed or referenced are deleted at the end of the night.

As Bruce Schneier says in his Crypto-Gram email (which is where I got this from),

Anyone want to guess how long that “automatically flushed at the end of each night” will last? This data has enormous value. Insurance companies will want to know if someone was in a bar before a car accident. Employers will want to know if their employees were drinking before work — think airplane pilots. Private investigators will want to know who walked into a bar with whom. The police will want to know all sorts of things. Lots of people will want this data — and they’ll all be willing to pay for it.

And the data will be owned by the bars that collect it. They can choose to erase it, or they can choose to sell it.

It’s rarely the initial application that’s the problem. It’s the follow-on applications. It’s the function creep. Before you know it,
everyone will know that they are identified the moment they walk into a commercial building.


MultiMedia Messaging

Ah, O2 you bunch of fuckwits. Apparently they have decided on an arbitrary limit of 100Kb for media messages (i.e. sending a photo from your phone to someone elses). At its default setting, the XDA I now have takes photos that are 104Kb in size.

Now, what kind of sodding use is that, when you’re trying to send one? *sigh*


Sectarian

Ah, you’ve got to love a good bit of “OK ’til it affects me” hypocrisy when it rears its head.

In today’s great instance, Isaac Hayes has decided to stop doing Chef’s voice in South Park. Why? Because South Park is “bigoted” and has an “inappropriate ridicule of religion”. OK, now neither of those points are exactly revelations – if you’ve ever seen South Park you’ll know it doesn’t take any prisoners, and doesn’t really care who it offends.

What is offensive, though, is Hayes’ attitude. Over the years (as the creators say in the story) they’ve aimed at Christianity, Islam, Mormons and Jews. And Hayes has never complained. Now, though, they’ve aimed at Scientology, which just happens to be the religion Hayes is a member of. And all of a sudden it’s not funny any more.

How come? Is Scientology somehow better than any other religion? Or is it more of a “Not in MY Back Yard” (AKA “NIMBY”) reaction where it’s OK to take the piss out of something a person doesn’t believe in, but it’s not OK to poke fun at that person’s own beliefs? You know, I think it might just be the latter option…

Actually, I think that South Park might just be one of the more balanced programmes – in that it pokes fun at everything, rather than just one specific item.


Thinking About… Navigation

Over the weekend, Pete pointed out a piece about “mystery” navigation on websites that doesn’t tell people where they’re heading. He suggested it might be rather relevant to me, seeing as d4d™ does exactly that. (And I recently discovered that the rollovers for showing where you’re going when the mouse hovers over the button doesn’t actually work in IE – I’d always kind of assumed it did, and thus hadn’t tested it. Mea culpa)

Anyway, it’s something that I started off as a project on here, something where I was interested to see how people used it. Initially it actually had the look of buttons – using nasty Javascript rollovers and images – where you only knew where you were going once the mouse was already over the button. But it was ugly, so when I went over to CSS for the main bit of the site, I just kept it with text but still on the same theory, not knowing where you were going ’til the mouse was over the button.

You see, my theory is that most people actually navigate based on position, rather than necessarily reading the button that tells them where they’re going. (And yes, I realise there’s a fallacy to this for first time visitors – just bear with me, OK?) I’ve worked on sites where the navigation was truly dynamic, and altered itself so that the “most used” buttons for user ended up at the top of the navigation tree (Man, you should’ve seen the database behind that bugger) and so the nav was different for every regular user, and also changed as you used it.

However, it turned out people hated this – about 75% of the regular users would already have their mouse pointing at the place on the screen that held the button for where they wanted to go, and when that changed, it annoyed them. It’s the same kind of theory that annoys people when supermarkets change the shelf layout, or store position for certain items. People like patterns. People stick to patterns (for the most part) and thus reinforce those patterns.

So d4d™ went the other way – if you knew where you were going, it didn’t matter what the button said – and in fact it could say nothing at all. In many ways it’s an experiment that’s worked – but it’s also one I wouldn’t put onto a commercial site I was doing. When it’s commercial, you really pretty much have to make sure you’re open to everyone, with a particular focus on the first-time visitor. If they don’t like what they see, or find it hard to get round, then they won’t become a repeat visitor.

(I’ve currently also been trying to persuade work about this one, that dynamic nav might sound cool and look cool, but long-term it pisses people off and is epically counter-productive)


Excellent Technique

This morning:

[phone rings]
“Hello there sir, my names Josh and this is just a quick customer service call about your Orange phone”
“I don’t have an Orange phone. Never have.”
[*click*]

Short, sweet, and pithy. It doesn’t get much better, really.